When I was a child, I was lounging in my mother’s old room at my Nana'a (grandmother) house, doing what children do best, getting lost in my own little world. It was nighttime and for a very odd reason, I had the great idea to look outside. I eased the curtain back and looked high into the sky, peering out to the moon and all her wonder. Very swiftly, a shadow caught my eye. I looked directly to the shadow and saw the most majestic sight. Standing right above my face was a dog, big and black. He had eyes of blood red and seemed to stare right through to my soul. I did the only logical thing a child thinks to do when confronted by spirits, I screamed. I screamed so loud and so hard my Nana ran to me praying to all the Gods and Saints. Back then, we assumed an omen, bad luck, and other negative powers. Now, however, I understand El Perro de Ojos Rojos to be a great spirit, coming to bestow blessings upon my head.
Spiritual awakenings are very hard. They don’t come as a breath of fresh air, but more as a swift slip and fall. My personal journey is what I have vowed to share with anyone willing to listen (or read) and here is a bit of it now. I have always been a true friend (maybe not always the best) but always the truest. Always down for the cause and ready to ride. At about 22 I started experiencing these weird bursts of panic and anxiety, I didn’t know what was going on. The only thing I knew was that I needed to be around my family. So, I packed up my apartment in my college town and came back home. I felt at peace for a while until I slowly started to see a decline in phone calls and text messages. All my friends were drifting away and no one seemed to really check in or give a damn about me. I went from 30 friends to 1 friend hitting my line. I was mad, I felt mad for two years and within those years I lost more friends. I was cutting people left and right. If the friendship couldn’t be repaired or worked out, it was GONE! I slowly became a bit depressed, feeling out-casted, and no longer needed. During this time I also I dropped out of school, became super confused in life, started having to pay my own bills, and I had to become an adult-adult (one of the scariest things in life) real quick. I just remember being so mad and sad because I was drowning and no one noticed, no one cared. After drinking myself to sleep for the fourth weekend in a row, I went to my mirror, sat down and did the thing I had been denying myself for those years, I cried. I felt like I cried for two weeks straight, but in reality, it was off and on for about a month. After that month, I said “Okay Jazz. You can stay here in this space being all depressed but this is not going to help you. These have to be your last tears.” So, I got my Poetic Justice on, (one of my favorite movies BTW) I turned on Stevie Wonder’s “Never Dreamed You’d Leave In Summer” and cried as hard and as much as I could.
After that, I became in a state of just being. I was just trying to figure out what my next path would be, thriving day by day, and finally finding some peace in solitude. It was during this phase that I had a dream of being in my Nana’s garden. I was waiting for someone, but I didn’t exactly know who. I went over to a cactus plant and as I was just about to touch the plant a deep breath of air was blown upon me. Someone was breathing down my shoulder, the air went sweet and calmly I turned to the entity, “El Perro de Ojos Rojos, I have been waiting for you a long time.” I said as if greeting an old friend. There he was still towering over me, eyes red as blood and spirit sweet as honey. The next day I awoke to feel completely energized as if someone charged my entire body during the night. I ran to my Nana’s house and got right to work in becoming what I am today, not the most powerful witch in the South, but one who has been gifted by the spirits. My gift is intuition and the knowing of things no one speaks out loud. I had an associate tell me long ago. “You see what eyes aren’t meant to see, you hear the whispers from conversations of yesterday, and when you listen, you listen with your entire body.” This I found was a gift, bestowed upon me the night El Perro de Ojos Rojos came to me as a child. The gift was always inside of me, it just took time and for my spirit to connect and become one with the gift. Since then, my life has changed. I am finding out who I am and what I aspire to be. I have found peace in where I currently stand in life, I know what I want and more importantly what I don’t want. I am coming to love even the ugliest aspects of myself. What started off as me feeling lonely, confused, and angry has now evolved into me feeling empowered. By sharing my path, I hope to encourage many women into exploring their own! Maybe one day, El Perro de Ojos Rojos will come to find you, bringing with him your gifts from the Universe.
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